Today, I received an sms from my sis, informing me about our late greatgrandma who had passed away this noon. I was not feeling well today and I felt like skipping Agama class today, so I asked boyfie to send me home. It wasn't till I settled in my room that I read the sms. Shocked? Sure. Everytime I went to see my greatgrandma during holiday, I've already remind myself, that this might be the last time I'll be seeing her. The last chance to ask for forgiveness.
I've actually prepared myself for this. I've always thought that this day would come, sooner or later. That one day she'll be leaving us behind for good. But somehow I'm having trouble in accepting this for now. I just can't imagine how it would be when I go back home again. Do I have to remind myself that she won't be there no more? That I won't be able to see her anymore?
Because I see that wrinkled face everyday since I was a baby, and I listen to that same voice everyday, nagging us, preaching us about this and that. I was practically raised by her too.
And I see how the cloudy eyes gets blurry each day as a result of cataract that she can no longer see clearly and recognize us anymore, or how her hearing ability get worse by time that the only way to speak to her is by somewhat yelling at her, or how her memory quickly fade that you have to remind her who you are over and over again.
I miss how we would inform her about the prayer time, everytime azan. I miss turning her radio on so that she can listen to the Holy Al-Quran recitation, all day long. I miss her stories about our family. I miss taking her in my arms to help her climb the stairs, or sit beside her quietly, patiently answer her questions. I miss holding that small cold hands with mine.
I'm used to it, for more than 20 years. Not having her around anymore, that's what I'm not used to. Then how can I just simply absorb and register to myself that she's no longer here?
Lots and lots of prayers. Al fatihah.
I've actually prepared myself for this. I've always thought that this day would come, sooner or later. That one day she'll be leaving us behind for good. But somehow I'm having trouble in accepting this for now. I just can't imagine how it would be when I go back home again. Do I have to remind myself that she won't be there no more? That I won't be able to see her anymore?
Because I see that wrinkled face everyday since I was a baby, and I listen to that same voice everyday, nagging us, preaching us about this and that. I was practically raised by her too.
And I see how the cloudy eyes gets blurry each day as a result of cataract that she can no longer see clearly and recognize us anymore, or how her hearing ability get worse by time that the only way to speak to her is by somewhat yelling at her, or how her memory quickly fade that you have to remind her who you are over and over again.
I miss how we would inform her about the prayer time, everytime azan. I miss turning her radio on so that she can listen to the Holy Al-Quran recitation, all day long. I miss her stories about our family. I miss taking her in my arms to help her climb the stairs, or sit beside her quietly, patiently answer her questions. I miss holding that small cold hands with mine.
I'm used to it, for more than 20 years. Not having her around anymore, that's what I'm not used to. Then how can I just simply absorb and register to myself that she's no longer here?
Lots and lots of prayers. Al fatihah.
al-fatihah.
ReplyDeletesemoga nenda tersayang dicucuri rahmat dan lebih bahagia di alam sana.